I'm a Monster in the Making

[Echostar]

Well, I know someone is bound to (most likely) ask sooner or later about the book I mentioned in the 'What are you doing' thread so I'm saving you the trouble and just posting it now. It doesn't have a title yet (the one above is just an on-the-spot made up one) but I have most of the plot in my head. I'll give you a quick view of the basics of the story so you get what's going on and then you can read my exerpt:

The story is kinda like Constantine in that it involves God and Satan, etc. That kind of stuff. The main character is a werewolf/anthro creature who is yet to be named xP. Basically, it all starts at near the beginning of creation. God has already created humans and life is moving on. But God realizes that humans, what with their free will and intelligence, are pretty destructive creatures. So he wants to create a superior race that will not wipe put the humans or anything, but that will simply keep them in their place if they get too out of hand. He has already created many different breeds of werewolves but these creatures are to live in harmony with the rest of the world. This new creature he creates is to be superior to all but will live like the rest of the beings and only interfere with humans when they get too out of hand. So he creates insert name of main charrie here as a sort of experiment to see how the humans will react to even just one of these superior beings. Michael the Archangel becomes her 'guardian angel' (and I use the term loosely because he really isn't) and friend and often shows up to help her, though he isn't right by her side 24/7. Unfortunately, this nw race is just what Satan wants. Their souls will be the most powerful ever created by God (angels are the only created creatures with more powerful souls) and if he can get ahold of even one, he would be able to use the power to wage war on God and even have a chance of winning. After the humans take a dislike to _______, God decides to not create any more of these superior beings because the humans could wage war and both species would wipe the planet clean. ________ is left to basically fend for herself in the world and you'll have to read the story to see what happens

[Echostar]

This is all I have written so far. Leave comments on what you like and don't like please.

****

Cool…. The cool, gentle wind washes over my body. It ruffles my fur brushed and my skin, relaxing my muscles. I close my hand and sigh as the tender earth lifts from its seat on the ground and into my palm. The grass is thick and the blades are healthy and long, tickling my nose as the breeze pushes them westward. I inhale and suddenly my brain is buzzing with the sweet smells of the earth. Grass, dirt, and flowers; they all smell so natural and so appealing. The fresh air that rushed into my lungs makes me feel lighter and free. I open my eyes in a hope to see the wonderful world around me; to gaze upon the rich grass and the bright flowers. But a bright, stinging light shoots through my pupils and blinds me. I snap my eyelids shut, but the light still filters through and makes all shades of orange, red, and yellow dance before me. This light wasn’t harmful, that much I could tell. I lay still and let the wind continue to bathe me, the grass continue to brush my nose and belly, and the light carry on creating the colors that dance inside my eyes. Soon, blues, greens, and purples began to mix with the previous colors and I don’t know why. It intrigues me, but I cannot ask them where they came from or why they have joined the dance for they are not living. I open my eyes again and this time the world fades into view. There are giant trees circled around me. Oak, I believe, as there are tiny newborn acorns hanging from the tips of the branches. Moss and other small bush and plants are littered throughout the trees; though none enter the circle of grass is which I lay. The grass is tall and reaches a little past my back and the dirt I had felt under my body is nowhere to be seen, though I know it’s there. Flowers are gathered in families under the trees and a few loners are scattered throughout the grass around me. As I lie there on my belly I notice just how quiet it is. There are no other creatures to share my curiosity and love for this place. My ears swivel in all directions and I hope to pick up the sound of another being. I work my nose to try and find the scent of anything else besides the green creations around me but I find nothing. There’s no point in lying here, doing nothing, so I push myself to my feet. Immediately, I know that I am different. I’m unlike any of the other animals that inhabit this earth though I cannot justify this knowledge. I study my body from what I can see and when the breeze picks up I shiver. I’m not cold, just uncomfortable, and naked. This exposed feeling makes me nervous but I don’t think on it long because more intriguing thoughts flash across my mind. Where am I? Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? And why do I already know so much? No answers come to my mind but as if in response to the questions, my eyes drift upwards toward the light. It stings my eyes again and I shut them tight. The sun. The sun? That’s not an answer to any of my questions, so why was I compelled to look at the sun? I suppose I will have to figure that out later but for now, I need to find shelter, food, and water and clothing would have to come last. Without thinking, I began walking in the direction the wind was blowing. I half expected myself to trip or fall, seeing as this was the first time I had ever walked, but my legs and feet worked in perfect harmony. It was as if I had been walking my entire life and it confused me so much. My brain continues to turn itself inside out, asking questions that I don’t have the answer to and sifting through all the information I continue to compile through my senses. Then, my ears pick out a soothing sound. The noise is flowing to me from a direction a little bit to the north and so I immediately turn to follow it and I quicken my pace for a reason I once again don’t know. The trees and brush seem to step aside for me as I walk, no jog, no run, through the forest. I avoid crushing any flowers or other plants and I’m surprised at my own cautiousness and agility. The delicious noise grows louder and louder with each step and within a few more strides I can smell it. It strokes my nose and I realize it smells like rain, only wetter, fresher, and more delicious. Water. The cool, smooth liquid is all I can focus on at first but as I calm down I realize something else. My ears begin picking up more and more noises. Buzzing is all I hear but that is soon followed by clicks and whirs. There are other creatures around here! I stop and come to a standstill, allowing my senses to become immersed in the world around me. My eyes catch sight of something, small, bright and red. A little ladybug floats into view. She hovers around my nose in circles, deciding on what to do and after she has checked her surroundings, she gracefully lands on the tip of my nose. Her tiny feet tickle and I almost sneeze but, for fear of hurting the little creature, I hold it back. She makes her way across the bridge of my nose, zigging and zagging the whole way, inspecting practically every inch to make sure there are no unpleasant surprises. I tilt my ears forward, trying to catch what she is muttering under her breath, but all I hear is a faint hushing sound. I don’t think I understand her language and I promise myself that I will learn it later. I take a step forward and hope that my new little friend will stay with me, but the movement scares her and she picks up and floats away. “I’m sorry!” I call after her, but I’m not sure she understands me. By now, there are hundreds of bugs and insect running and flying about. They’re on the trees, the bushes, and even hovering around the flowers. I look around and see the insects are all working, no one resting or taking a break. Being a bug must be a terrible life to lead. They’re one of the smallest creatures and having almost everyone else in the world bigger than you must make life so hard. I’m thankful that I’m not that small and my mind wanders back to my original task. My feet and legs start to move again and suddenly I’m back to running through the trees, trying to find that wonderful water I heard and smelled earlier.

[Leafshadow]

AMAZING setting description. You really have a knack for details. I'm curious to read more about this character of yours....keep writing it! I didn't notice any obvious mistakes or anything XD

[Echostar]

Thanks Leafy ^^ I'm actually terrible at setting descriptions and stories in general because I get so excited with the plot I usually just run through everything too fast xP So I tried to actually focus this time and this is how it turned out. Curious about the character are you? I realize it's not the everyday fantasy/werewolf story so I can see why you might be intrigued. I've had this in my head for years, I've just never done anything with it until now. I really want to finish it. My mom said it would be a great book series so I'm kinda happy about that I've always wanted to write something a little...different anyway.

No obvious mistakes? That's suprising. I screw up so much when I type xD

[Leafshadow]

Me too! Except for the beginning of my 'book,' which I started writing last November. It's the opposite. I was determined not to rush it, and it drags on for a little. Your focusing worked! And yes, from what you've posted, it does have a very unique story. I could easily see it becoming a two-book series or even a trilogy-type series. Again, from your plot outline, I can see your three distinct plots that make up the biggest plot (ie, she begins to discover what/who she is and what she was created for and Satan begins to approach her, God decides not to make any more and/or a war begins to be waged, and then you could have an epic battle book where she's forced to fend for herself.

I'm not sure how even a werewolf could smell water, though. That's my only question.

[Echostar]

Smelling water is kinda like rain, I would imagine. I've smelled salt water (which is easy to recognize, I know, because of the salt) and sometimes you can kinda smell cool, crisp water and so I played off that, especially because a werewolf has better sense than humans. But if it seems a little too off, I can change it. That's what I posted it for after all. So thanks for that Leafy

I know the stories that drag God and such into them scares some people and sometimes (as with the Davinci Code and Angels and Demons) people think it's sacraligious, but I don't mean this story to be like that. It's just, so many other fantasy stories have been done and redone, I kinda wanted to combine them (werewolves/vampires with God/angels/demons) to see what would happen.

[Leafshadow]

Maybe you could just mention something about how the water smells a little like rain?

Combining those two IS an interesting idea; it's too bad I didn't think of something like that XD So far it looks good, so you should write some more and post it! ^.^

[Echostar]

Ok. That'll be easy to add in. Thanks

An interesting idea it is, but not nessecarily a good one xP (lol I sounded like Yoda there xD)I'm writing it right now but because I'm actually focusing, it's taking a little longer to get another piece long enough to post.

[Echostar]

I added in that part about the rain-smelling water Leafy. I hope it makes a little more sense now. If not, just lemme know and I'll fix it.

****

Within minutes I’m at a crystal clear stream that’s carved a snake-like path through the trees. The grass along the banks is much like the grass in the area I woke up in; thick, dark green, healthy, and long. Insects and numerous other bugs are flying and crawling all about the area, creating a harmonious melody with the murmuring of the stream and the rustling of the wind through the trees. A new scent touches my nose and I look to the north, the direction the wind is coming from. An adult fox emerges from the trees a few yards away. The red-orange fur on his body shimmers in the light as he bounces over to the edge of the stream. It doesn’t seem as though he notices me, but when I take a step toward him, his head snaps up and he stares at me with inquisitive and fearful eyes. The lean muscles on his body begin to tense and he bends his legs in anticipation of flight. I retrace my step but he doesn’t change his posture. I don’t want to scare him off but I doubted I could communicate that to him, so I take another step backwards. His eyes flash to my feet and back again and he copies my movement, taking a step in the opposite direction as well. Now his ears flick back and forth and I can see his nose twitching. He’s thinking about what to do next and isn’t sure whether or not to label me as a threat. I can’t think of anything else to do so I slowly lower myself to the ground and settle into a sitting position with my legs crossed, my hands clasped together, my elbows resting on my knees and my back arched forward. I stare intently back at the smaller creature and to my pleasant surprise I see his body relax. He returns to a normal standing position and tilts his head sideways as if to ask why I did what I did. His questioning facial expression makes me laugh and when he hears the lighthearted noise he takes a step forward. I make no more sounds and I remain still. The curious little fox closes the distance within a few bounds and so he is now so close I could reach out and touch him. When I reach my hand out to pat him he shies away and his lips curl into a warning snarl. I retract my hand and he comes forth again. This time, I don’t move and I allow him to inspect me. His nose works furiously, sniffing me practically everywhere. He circles me a couple times, making sure he’s familiar with me before stepping in even closer. He sits down in front of me and places his paw gently on my right knee. I gingerly pick up his paw and freeze when I see the bottom of it. It has a pad on it, the skin almost leathery, yet much more flexible and almost jet black. I pull my left hand out in front of me and compare. My hand also has a pad, but that’s just it; I have a hand and this little fox has a paw. But we both have that flexible, squishy, leathery pad. How is that? I stretch my neck out to the right of me and look at my reflection in the water. Sure enough, our heads are shaped immensely similarly. Mine is just wider, thicker, and more powerful. Confused, I compare our bodies next. The fox walks on four legs with the length of his body parallel to the ground below whereas my entire body is set perpendicular to the ground. Looking at my arms and legs, I become even more confused. Our back legs are built exactly the same, but our front legs, in my case arms, are different. The fox’s front legs are straight and his shoulders connect to his body in a way that he can only move his legs forward and backward. But my arms, however, can rotate in all directions and are much more flexible and pliable than the fox’s front legs. Also, my torso is in no way built the same as his. Why are we so similar, yet so different? None of this makes any sense. I narrow my eyes and growl in frustration. As a reflex, I release the fox’s paw and angrily slam my hand to the ground. The water in the stream jolts and jumps from the force of my hand hitting the ground and my little fox friend turns tail and rushes back into the trees without so much as a look back at me. Human. The word flashes across my mind for a split second and I barely have time to catch it. Human? Of all the words to appear, why ‘human’? Even more baffled, I try to calm myself to think it through. That word in my mind did not appear of my own will, whether conscious or subconscious. Someone or something else must have put it there. But what had the power to do something like that? Again the word flashes but this time I concentrate on it. What did ‘human’ have to do with my current situation? My mind reruns through everything that’s happened so far and for some reason I can’t get my most current encounter out of my head. The little fox keeps coming back to mind and I rest my head in my hands, perplexed and weary. Human and fox, human and fox. What did they have to do with each other? I move the weight of my head to my right hand and as my left hand drops I catch it out of the corner of my eye. I raise it to my eyes and study the pad that protects the soft underside. Hand and paw, hand and paw. So what did human and fox have to do with each other? My eyes widen and my mouth drops in realization. Me. I am both human and fox. Or at least I’m fox-like. But if I’m human and fox, I’m human and something else. An image of a creature very fox-like now flashes through my mind. It’s bigger and stronger. The eyes are more caring and wise and the demeanor is protective. A wolf. So I am human and wolf? But not simply a half-breed or anything of that sort, I’m another creature entirely and yet, I’m not. Now I’m really bewildered. But before I can do anything else, a blinding light cascades into my eyes and I see nothing but white. The surprise and unexpectedness of the event sends me rolling backwards and I clasp my hands over my eyes, trying to protect them. The light seems to have a heartbeat now. It expands and becomes brighter, then shrinks and the light is dulled, though only by a little bit. The pulsating continues for a minute or two and by now my eyes are becoming adjusted to the brightness. I roll back over and sit up. A figure comes into view, though it is black and blurry in my sight. The light begins to fade away and a human-like being is standing not 15 feet away. He is a beautiful creature. His hair is sandy brown and falls to his shoulders is perfect waves. His arms and legs are packed with muscles that push against the fine, peachy skin that holds them to his body. His torso is lean and muscular and his shoulders are broad and thick. The clothes on his body resemble a Roman gladiatorial outfit, but the elegant details and workmanship and the supple leather that fits every curve of his body say otherwise. The sandals that cradle his feet are fit like a glove to every one of his perfect toes and the long, thin leather straps that hold them there only outline his calves even more. The creamy cloth that hugs his body is sewed into a tunic the lies under his leather armor and the short little sleeves and wide bottom flow around him like water on rocks. His arm guards are crafted of the same leather as his body armor and are just as elegantly detailed. He looks like someone that could tear you to pieces and that would be the first though in your mind if he didn’t have that gentle, caring smile tugging his rosy cheeks and lips into a comforting greeting and those gorgeous sky blue eyes staring intently at you, warming you from the inside out and begging you to just sit there take him all in. My cheeks grow hot with embarrassment as I realize I’ve been staring at him for a good ten minutes and I lower my gaze to the ground. He clearly notices and his smile grows wider, though I’m not sure if it’s in joy at the fact that I’ve been admiring him or for some other reason I equally couldn’t put my finger on. He crosses over to me and I raise my eyes to examine him again. His stride is powerful yet graceful and if I could call him a king I would, but something told me better. He stops directly in front of me, bends, and extends his hand to help me up. I feel almost ashamed that a being such as him would even acknowledge an individual like me much less make a move to touch me. I don’t want him to think badly of me, but I’m naked. To emphasize that very important fact I cover myself even more by curling into a ball. Without changing his expression or posture a surprise flash of light encloses me and I’m suddenly clothed in a black sports bra and black booty shorts. It’s hardly the outfit I’d have picked to meet him in but none the less it covered me well enough, so I accept his help and he pulls me to my feet with me hardly doing a thing at all despite the fact that I’m probably twice his size and weight. The surprise is written all over my face and he laughs. The ringing of his lighthearted voice reverberates in my ears and I catch myself wishing he would talk. If his laughter was so… beautiful, imagine what he must sound like when he talked! As if granting my wish, he begins to explain…

[Leafshadow]

LOVE the imagery, especially the part with the fox. (The edited rain part sounds good, too.)
Have you thought about separating your writing into paragraphs? Big blobs of text are...harder to read. Edit--scratch that. This site doesn't like indents xD
So what kind of things do you want me/everyone to look for again?

[Echostar]

Mostly my tense. I always seem to write in past tense xP but I want this to be in present so there are bound to be mistakes somewhere. I try to catch them before I post but some might slip through.

And does the imagery seem.... I dunno, over-exagerrated or anything? Is it overdone? Too much? Does it look like I'm trying too hard?

[Leafshadow]

I didn't notice any tense errors, but then again I'm not a very good editor.
As far as the imagery,I would say that the man part was a bit much. Not that it isn't good, but there's a lot of it in the short space and I kinda found myself skipping over the last half. Maybe you could try and spread it out a little? (for future reference.)Maybe you could reveal different things with time?

[Echostar]

I just wanted to get a good description of Michael in because he appears semi-often so I didn't want to have to backtrack with the description of him but if it's too much I'll narrow it down.

Maybe you could reveal different things with time? - Since the plot/storyline is a bit complicated I was going to have Michael explain most of it at the beginning here and then move on. Other things will be revealed in time throughout the book, unless you think I should go about it a different way.

[Leafshadow]

Oh no it's okay. I didn't really notice it the first time through, only the second nitpicky time xD
Write more please ^.^

[Echostar]

Lol of course I'll write more. This is one story I actually really want to finish. By the way, any name ideas for my main charrie? I'm having a little trouble xP